Petal Noir

these train of thoughts

the writings are all the same

better off like a ghost

with no face and no name

the more you know

the more you can’t let go

now you’ve come this far

can’t change who you are

been singing the writings on the walls

the greatest sins and your sweetest downfalls

would you let yourself be caved in here

and be forever lost???

if all the arrows in your heart is poisoned

and all your wings have fallen

rise up and fall again

until everything will be unbroken.

live long enough

to see that in the end

you”ll only be surrounded

by the withering past;

and there within

surrendering in silence

is the only way to give into life

and accept everything as it is….

i can’t blame anyone else but myself…

i can’t be overreacting this time.., because now i really know that everytime i try to put a smile on my face.., i pay for it… a particular friend of mine doesn’t know how much she means to me and how she reacted last night i just don’t know what to feel as of right now.., i mean, i understand that you weren’t okay last night but to talk behind the scenes is unlikely the thing i expected from you…, i should be getting use to this..,i should be.., i guess your opinions aren’t as good as mine.., if you believe i was never a good friend then say it right to my face.., and i would gladly take it without saying anything back..,but I just want to let you know that god knows even I tried to be a good friend not just to YOU but anyone we’ve ever encountered.

spell- to get over someone ( in latin)

"abi levatus

in memoria meus

depletus

mea cordis

ad solutus

adhuc perpetuo

dedisco

de ( name of the person you want to forget)"

"tempus relevo doloris meum,

nova amor venio iterum."

Unlovely

Just like any other days,

I’m letting my own words of music

absorb me through my hiding…

I just wanna let everything pass me by

and yet i unravel my deepest

complex wounds of insecurities

and desperation of wanting more in my life….

These things couldn’t be anymore visible

from the depths of my soul

through out of my own skin.

If i ran away

from not wanting to see a life unchange

would you blame me???

If i should be the one to blame

then all i can say is i’m sorry

but the more i love you from afar

i can’t help but to show

the world how much you mean to me.

02-14-08

I cannot pretend that i can just let you go…

I thought i knew i could….

But i guess, it doesn’t matter how far

I’ve gotten to be…

It’s not even right to cling on t something

that is not real anymore….

I just can’t…

I wish it would be different

but it’s not!

I couldn’t be anymore

relunctant to feel my beating heart;

Sana iba

pero hinde eh,

simple nga lang

pero napakahirap aminin na

ikaw parin ang hinahanap ng puso ko.

That one question

"It’s like i wanted to run forever

and yet i feel like as if i was finally free…

I guess, no matter where i will go

even in my dreams

I’ll always find myself here."

Feeling myself descend from

my peacefully sky of heavens,

my own fabrication of solemn wings

were meant to be broken;

because there i foresaw

a familiar presence

where my heart descends

in that time of chances.

There’s only 1 question remains….

would i let myself suffer the same fate

of a thousand poisoned arrows just like i have before ???

My birth chart says..,

Sun in Virgo

It is rare to find the stereotypical nitpicky, exacting, "clean freak" in modern-day Virgos. Although the sign of Virgo has evolved with the times, there are some unmistakable traits that remain. Virgo people are generally respectable, hard-working individuals who have a love of knowledge and know-how.

Virgo’s symbol, the Virgin, shows itself in the lives of Virgos through a love of all that is "natural" and a certain purity of spirit that keeps Virgos self-sufficient and self-contained, at least on the surface. Virgos are sensitive to their surroundings, and they tend to embarrass easily. They are generally reticent when faced with anything or anyone new. However, once they feel comfortable, they can talk up a storm. Many Virgo Suns are not too comfortable in the limelight. These types are just fine living in the background, as long as they feel useful and appreciated. Solar Virgos have a strong sense of responsibility. Even when they’ve convinced themselves to be irresponsible about something or the other, they worry about it.

Not all Virgos are workaholics. However, when Solar Virgos are not involved in some kind of project, there is generally a vague feeling of discontent. Even when their lives are filled up with work, they are restless and somewhat nervous creatures. The fear of under-performing is often strong. Virgos want to do things well. Some are exacting and thorough, and those Virgos who have convinced themselves to do a less-than-perfect job will generally feel incomplete. There’s an odd combination of the intellectual and the practical in Virgo that is sometimes mistaken for coolness. In fact, Virgos are often self-effacing and shy. They’ll brush off your compliments quickly and, sometimes, critically; but don’t let that fool you. They need your respect and appreciation. In fact, the happiest Virgos are the ones who feel appreciated and useful. Add plenty of worthwhile projects to keep them busy, and Virgos can be some of the sweetest, kindest people around.

Keywords: analytical, intelligent, reserved, critical, helpful, conscientious.

Virgo ascendant Leo

Sun in II

You take pride in what you own, and have a strong drive for security. You have staying power, and you hate to let others down once you’ve made a promise. Avoid over-identifying with what you have. Concentrate on proving your worth through your strong value system and your incredible ability to stick with things and with people. Take pride in the solid and secure foundations that you build, as well as the lasting relationships you aim to maintain, while being careful to avoid possessiveness. You seek a safe and secure job, you satisfy your needs, which are substantial. You may be given to spending money impulsively.

126 Sextile Sun - Mars

You are enterprising and have powerful stores of energy that you can draw upon when needed. You respond to problems or challenges with a spirited and enthusiastic confidence that is admirable. You are naturally competitive, and this trait is generally well-received by others simply because it is unforced, unaffected, and sincere. You truly believe in fair play, and you seem to be in love with life. When you are expressing competitiveness and courage, it’s easy for others to smile and accept these traits as positive ones rather than being rubbed the wrong way. You have good physical vitality. Although competitive, you are not naturally combative. You may enjoy sports or games that are competitive, but not violent. Breaking the rules of a competitive game is particularly upsetting to you. You are more able than most to control your desires, aggressions, and instincts. You know how to be fair, and you expect others to be fair. As such, sneaky behaviors, uncontrolled impulses, violence, and rage are offensive to you.

134 Sextile Sun - Uranus

It is natural for you to question tradition. You are, above all things, an individualist. You naturally rebel against that which is established. It doesn’t mean that you consistently break all the rules, but you definitely do question some of the rules, especially those that simply don’t make much sense. You possess a huge distaste for routine. You work best when you have some say as to when and how you get things done. You possess much self-integrity. You avoid labeling people and are most offended when others attempt to label or stereotype you.

You easily embrace new ways of doing things, you stick up for the underdog, and you express yourself in unique and inspiring ways. You don’t have to try to stand out as unique–you are original, creative, and progressive without trying. You are far from pretentious. You value honesty and truth, and you avoid putting on airs. You believe in the equality of people, and easily relate to people from all walks of life. You possess an unmistakable enthusiasm about life, and generally your life is interesting because you invite unusual or adventurous experiences into your life. You are generally appreciated by others because you are open-minded, fair, and not judgmental. Nothing really seems to faze you! You take things in stride, and are rarely shocked or taken aback by human behavior.

-18 Square Sun - Neptune

You have a desire to be something special or to experience something more than the ordinary. You are a day-dreamer and idealist. It is easy for you to trust others, even (and perhaps especially) people who might seem from the outside looking in as unsavory types. You are looking to identify with something beyond what is normally expected of people. You may have had a childhood that didn’t help you direct or define your life. Perhaps the early family life was lacking in supervision or clearly defined rules. A father figure may have been absent or distant and ineffective. You may have a glorified image of your father. Whether the image is very positive or very negative (or if it swings between these extremes), the image is not very clear or rational. Whatever the case may be, you struggle with defining who you are. You might gravitate towards the "wrong people", or get in with the "wrong crowd" in an attempt to define who you are. You might be susceptible to being taken advantage of by others, especially by men or authority figures. You may be easily led astray by peculiar desires or self-destructive habits. In order to add a greater-than-ordinary dimension of experience to your life that helps you to feel special and important, you might be attracted to Neptune-ruled behaviors, such as secret affairs, drugs, or other escapist behaviors. In some way, you may feel a strong urge to glamorize your role in the world. There can be some confusion about the past (such as remembering childhood experiences in ways that are far removed from reality), and a tendency to daydream about being someone more "important" than you feel you are. You may struggle with early conditioning that made you feel tossed aside or neglected in some way, and certainly not directed or supported. You are very sensitive, especially with regards to any real or imagined blows to your ego. If the natal chart shows a strong sense of reality and a robust mind (Mercury and Saturn well-placed, for example), the negative interpretations of this aspect are less extreme. Still, you are likely to recognize at some point in your life that you have a tendency to engage in escapist and self-destructive fantasies and/or habits. It is useful to be able to connect these behaviors with their probable source, which is likely to be a weakly-defined ego and identity in childhood.

84 Trine Sun - Midheaven

She knows what she wants on the professional level, is aware of her objectives and does everything to achieve them, she will carry out plans to the very end. She has a good job as well as a good reputation.

The Moon represents the emotional responses, unconscious pre-destination, and the self-image.

Moon in Sagittarius

More than anything, Lunar Sagittarians have a need for personal freedom and space. They are extraordinarily happy and easygoing folk, as long as they don’t feel caged in or cooped up. Lunar Sagittarians have a simultaneous need for activity. Meeting new people, going out in the world, and travel are all important to their sense of well-being. They love open spaces, and, in their homes, a roomy and bright environment. There’s a bit of a teacher in Moon in Sagittarius, and definitely a helpful spirit. They easily forget appointments and the like, and some are even considered irresponsible. However, it is hard to stay angry at a Lunar Sagittarian! They are so cheerful and upbeat, and their optimism is catchy.

Many people with this position are outdoorsy types. At the very least, they have a great love for friendly competition. When the going gets tough, these people run away. They don’t like to be caught up in routine for too long, and they simply need to escape. There’s a blind faith in Lunar Sagittarians that is admirable. They simply believe that everything will work out. Not much for making detailed plans, people with Moon in Sagittarius prefer to wing it. They’re very adaptable and generally on the go.

Short description:

Likes to throw herself into the unknown and into adventure: she is agile, tough and enthusiastic. Attracted to long voyages, to discover the unknown.

Weaknesses: takes great risks in throwing herself into the unknown and into adventure. Audacious, bold and rebellious. Unable to stay in one place, is always ready to risk everything to achieve her goal.

Moon in IV

She likes family life, peace and quiet: she likes to stay at home, surrounded by loved ones, in agreeable circumstances. Positively influenced by the mother.

151 Conjunction Moon - Mars

You are a passionate person who loves life. Although your emotions are powerful and immediate, your passion is generally controlled and directed. You are a sexual person who nevertheless doesn’t get too carried away or controlled by your passions. Because your emotions are strong and you know how to channel them into constructive channels, you don’t easily understand such things as "crimes of passion", impulsive behaviors, or emotional excitability in others. You’re generally open, accepting, and natural in your sexual expression. You need an emotional connection in order to feel complete on a physical level. You may have an affection and talent for sports, but other factors in the natal chart are necessary to provide the motivation and commitment.

Short description: She is frank, honest, full of vigor and ambition. She is strong-willed and powerful at work. She is a little hard on herself but, above all, on others whose capacity for action is not as great.

378 Conjunction Moon - Uranus

She is imaginative and has the Moon’s intuition complemented by Uranus’ independence and originality. Her life is out-of-the-ordinary, with lots of changes and a great knowledge of the world not through reading but through personal experience. She likes the sensational, new things. She acts instinctively, but fortunately has a good sixth sense. She likes to be surrounded by original people, artists.

-74 Opposition Moon - Midheaven

She has an irresolute nature, with sudden changes of humor. She is unstable and does not follow through on her own objectives. This instability shows itself not only in professional life but also in love life and friendships.

Mercury represents communication, Cartesian and logical spirit.

Mercury in Libra

Usually quite diplomatic and tactful, she evaluates and weighs things up endlessly, often to the point of indecisiveness. Of good judgement, she expresses herself clearly. Before coming to an opinion on a subject, she listens to the opinions offered by various people and can compare them before making up her own mind. Mental affinity in her relationships is paramount. She is good at compromising and always tries to put herself in others’ shoes. Some mental laziness.

Mercury in II

Intelligence geared towards ways of making money, becoming rich. All methods are good, sometimes she is on the borderline of honesty, with a tendency to be fraudulent.

301 Conjunction Mercury - Saturn

40 Conjunction Mercury - Pluto

She has a great sense of observation and quickly grasps the situation. She is crafty, subtle and critical.

Venus represents an interest for emotions and values, exchange and sharing with others.

Venus in Virgo

Venus in Virgo people are not the flirtatious sort. Instead, their appeal lies in their dedication, their willingness to work on the relationship, and to make the relationship work in real terms. Unlike Venus in Leo, they won’t try to impress you with grand gifts or promises. Their gifts are less showy, but perhaps far more generous — gifts of devotion and attention to details about you. Venus in Virgo men and women quietly (and often slowly) make their way into your heart. They are quite sensitive in love — even insecure — and this reserved, loner-like quality is part of their appeal. They prefer to play it safe in their relationships, and they need to be confident that you like them before they make a move. They are great listeners and they make it a habit to observe and learn all of your ins and outs. Their love can be of the Kindergarten variety — they show they care by nagging or criticizing. Remember, though, that they are not trying to hurt you when they are pointing out the flaws in your thinking, plans, or even character. They truly are trying to help! Venus in Virgo is attracted to nondescript people who have largely gone unnoticed. Show-offs and know-it-alls turn them off.

Pleasing Venus in Virgo involves showing you appreciate them for all the little things they do — and they do a lot. The problem is, they do these things so quietly that you may not always notice or credit them for all these kind gestures. They do need some space (after all, they’re generally quite busy making everything work), so give it to them. Be genuine, not ostentatious. They are really not difficult to please after you have taken care of these basic needs. Avoid pushing your friends or family on them too fast — remember they are a little shy. They aim to please, and are easily intimidated by your experiences. Let them know how much you value them, and they will reward you with devotion and a charming willingness to talk things out.

Short description:

She is very devoted, does not show emotions: she and doesn’t always let herself go, either through fear of ridicule or through fear of not being loved in return as much as she loves. She is therefore sometimes too undemonstrative. May give off the sense that her love is not for free. Caring but worries that she is not exciting enough. Careful with money.

Venus in I

Big-hearted. She is generous, altruistic, devoted, warm-hearted, lovable and sweet-tempered. She is drawn towards the Arts, music, song. She likes gatherings, parties. She has big emotional highs. Peaceful life in love.

-1 Square Venus - Neptune

She lacks self-confidence and her ideals are not easily to achieve. In love, she is unstable, unfaithful and deceitful. She is easy-going and follows others, she does not take the initiative.

Mars represents the desire for action and physical energy.

Mars in Sagittarius

When Mars in Sagittarius people get angry, they feel like running. They have to do something-not about it, but something else altogether. They don’t have a lot of patience to wait things out. This is where the restless and adventurous nature of Sagittarius comes in. People with this position of Mars should seriously consider physical activity as the best means of anger management, if they don’t already (naturally) do so. People with Mars in Sagittarius generally have a number of projects going at once. They are not known for their follow-through, however! They start up new projects, however, with admirable gusto. Their vision and optimism can get in the way of completing what they start-they want to do so much, and they trash things too easily when a new idea takes hold.

Most of the time, Mars in Sagittarius is playful and fun-loving. They love friendly debates, although they can go to extremes. Some take it personally when you don’t agree with them-why wouldn’t you agree, after all? Well, for one, you might (especially if you have planets in Virgo or Gemini) find plenty of holes in their arguments. The thing is, more often than not, they haven’t thought things through, yet they’re very passionate about what they believe in. Mars in Sagittarius loves to "wing it". Mars in Sagittarius people see themselves as warm-blooded folk. They are, but they sometimes run roughshod over others’ feelings during their more passionate debates. They can be blunt with people, although if they have a more tactful Mercury placement, this quality will be subdued. Their direct, blunt approach is most obvious in bed. They’re passionate lovers, and are turned on by open-mindedness and good humor. But, they are not usually patient when sex gets too intricate or serious.

Mars in Sagittarius can be a little hard to understand. Sometimes they seem to be the most easy-going of people-they love a good joke and a good time. Other times they are on fire-intense and impassioned about something or other. They abhor anything that fences them in. They need to feel like they have space. They’re the ones who will run away when things get too serious or dull. They’ll likely be back soon-it’s just that they need to feel free for a while or they go batty. When these people argue, they can too easily pick up a moralistic stance that drives everyone around them crazy. More likely than not, however, they jump off their high horse sooner than later, and get back to having fun. Mars in Sagittarius is used to getting their way and persuading others to believe what they believe in. Every now and again, they face the few that don’t quite buy their grand theories, or, worse yet, poke holes in their plans. This is when these normally fun-loving people get frustrated. In fact, they take it personally when others don’t agree with their philosophies.

Mars in IV

Quick decisions, she has a lot of things on her plate and wants to climb the social ladder. She will succeed through phenomenal work-rate. Stormy family life, where her aggressiveness shows itself.

343 Conjunction Mars - Uranus

She possesses exceptional energy. She is impulsive but bold. She takes on risky enterprises for the good of the community, with all the energy she possesses. She has a great need of her independence, likes her freedom of action.

-3 Square Mars - Ascendant

She is quarrelsome, critical and violent. Her success is obtained by dubious means.

-71 Opposition Mars - Midheaven

She suffers professional setbacks because she is too impulsive, imprudent and lacks forethought.

Jupiter represents expansion and grace.

Jupiter in Scorpio

She attracts the most good fortune when she puts her "all" into a project or undertaking, and uses her magnetic powers to heal others.

Jupiter in III

She has good judgement, a sense of values, an open and optimistic mind, a good education and high moral standards. She likes studying. She is successful in communications work. Her professional work is a vocation and plays a great part in her life.

Saturn represents contraction and effort.

Saturn in Libra

Recognized for her seriousness, moral qualities. She is respectable, conscientious.

Weaknesses: not open to new ideas.

Saturn in II

If she is rich, will always give the impression of being in financial difficulties. If she is broke, she gives the same impression - this time with reason. She fears being without money, and may be especially cautious with possessions and finances as a result.

66 Sextile Saturn - Neptune

Her plans are realized in a methodical fashion, she works hard to achieve success.

163 Conjunction Saturn - Pluto

She perseveres, achieves her projects through hard work.

Uranus represents individual liberty, egoistic liberty.

Uranus in Sagittarius

She is shy, delicate but proud, bold and lively.

Uranus in IV

She is very independent. Her independence begins vis-…-vis the family circle. She does not like bureaucracy, administration, and has problems as a result. She has avant-garde ideas, she is original and does not tolerate constraints on her freedom.

-4 Square Uranus - Ascendant

She is inconstant, lacks control and is nervous.

-39 Opposition Uranus - Midheaven

She cannot carry through her plans, schemes to the end. These are changeable. She lacks forethought, attention. She throws herself into things, more than reacts to them.

Neptune represents transcendental liberty, non-egoistic liberty.

Neptune in Sagittarius

Likes long voyages, things foreign, water.

Neptune in IV

She succeeds thanks to brilliant and unusual ideas. She is very much influenced by her mother.

39 Sextile Neptune - Pluto

16 Trine Neptune - Ascendant

She has strange relationships. She is easily influenced, very sensitive and emotional.

Pluto represents transformations, mutations and elimination.

Pluto in Libra

Looks for new ways to relate to others.

18 Sextile Pluto - Ascendant

She has will-power and ambition, and likes to have her own way.

House I is the area of self identity. The ascendant is a symbol of how one acts in life. It is the image of the personality as seen by others, and the attitude that one has towards life.

Virgo ascendant Leo

Ascendant in Leo

Leo rising people cannot help but be noticed. They radiate a special energy and magnetism that gets others’ attention. Sometimes it’s because they are loud people who pay a lot of attention to their personal appearance (especially their hair!); other times it’s due to a regal manner that simply demands interest from others. Leo Ascendant people are very self-aware and body-conscious. They are acutely aware of others, and how they come across. In fact, these people are especially aware of their personal "backdrop"–they consider what the people they’re with, and the environments they are in, do to their own image. Often, Leo rising natives feel as if they are on stage, even in the privacy of their own homes! They are given to rash decisions, temper tantrums, and excesses. However, they have plenty of staying power, drive, and their idealism keeps them from getting into too much trouble. The desire to oversee the goings-on in their circle can sometimes amount to bossiness. If this desire doesn’t go too far, however, it can just mean a person who wants to make sure the people they love are all right. Many Leo rising people are managers, either by profession or character.

The tendency to overestimate things, and themselves, is generally present. This is due to a natural enthusiasm and optimism about any new undertaking. Sometimes, they are walking commercials. In fact, Leo rising people make excellent promoters. Leo rising people are generally demonstrative, and given to grand gestures. Drama comes naturally to these natives. In fact, some are so caught up in fiction, they’re a little blind to fact. They have an unusual need to be admired. Leo Ascendants often have a strong physical constitution. They pay special attention to their personal appearance and mannerisms. Usually, they choose clothing and hairstyles that are youthful. Their manner is authoritarian and strong. Very full emotional life.

No matter their age in real-world terms, Leo rising people are kids at heart. They are fun-loving and warm; generous and spirited. Just how magnanimous and outgoing a Leo rising individual is will be modified by the placement of the Sun by sign and house. This is because the ruling planet of a Leo Ascendant is the Sun. For example, a Leo rising person with Sun in Virgo may not come across as strongly as a Leo rising person with Sun in Aries. No matter the placement of the Sun, however, Leo rising natives are quite self-aware and optimistic. They have a natural flair for presentation, an eye for quality, and a hard-to-resist warmth of style. They want to make things happen, and create a stir.

House II is the area of material security and values. It rules money and personal finances, sense of self-worth and basic values, personal possessions.

House II in Virgo

She worries about money and is not especially generous with it unless she feels very comfortable.

House III is the area of social and intellectual learning.

House III in Libra

She looks for refined people, with whom to have long discussions, without raised voices of any kind. Harmony and peace is very important. In early life, she worried that her siblings were getting along.

House IV is the area of home, family, roots, and deep emotions/sense of self-worth.

House IV in Scorpio

Sheis jealous, snobby, irascible.

Family rows will be frequent. Might receive an inheritance.

House V is the area of creative self-expression, romance, entertainment, children, and gambling.

House V in Sagittarius

Likes adventure, travel, gambling, takes risks for the pleasure of it, treating it as a game. Lots of love affairs.

House VI is the area of learning by material transaction.

House VI in Capricorn

Works hard, unceasingly and patiently. Weak point: the cold, changes in temperature.

House VII is the area of one-to-one relationships such as marriage and partnership, and of social and intellectual action.

House VII in Aquarius

A slightly hasty marriage. The relationship between man-and-wife will be very friendly and full of understanding. Both will love their independence, their freedom of action. If one refuses to give this to the other while insisting on it for himself, then a divorce will ensue.

House VIII is the area of emotional security and of security of the soul.

House VIII in Pisces

Discussions about an inheritance. Be careful of water.

House IX is the area of learning that shapes the identity.

House IX in Aries

Travel with risk and adventure.

House X is the area of material action. The Mid-heaven represents the work one will do in his life, the place one will take in the world of society. It becomes more important as one grows older

House X in Taurus

Trusted at work. Occupation connected with the earth, buildings, finance etc…

House XI is the area of search for social and intellectual security.

House XI in Gemini

Likes meeting, ceaselessly discussing with well-informed people, full of ideas.

House XII is the area of education and of emotion.

House XII in Cancer

Problems will only come from the family.

disguises

They say that disguises can free both our minds and our hearts; allowing us to act a different part from what we currently have in our lives. Almost everytime it’s liberating to see or even feel the things that we "know" of were meant to be "hidden" through perfectly worn facades. And sometimes it can be a a totally different kind of ecsape. Unfortunately for us humans, we are bound to have "painful memories" and in those we create pathological fears about the future leaving us in a state of not being able to let go. For some of us, we found ourselves the "real" thing only in those memories and probably the only moment we’ve ever been seen the happiest.

knowing me: part 2

i really couldnt ask for anything more… i already have friends that i wouldn’t trade for the world anda family i’ll be able to count on for the rest of my life…. so for those who think they want to know me.., i really don’t have a problem making new friends but I SUGGEST that digging a hole inside my heart will only make me open up with the most stinging words.

12-12-07

I’ve always thought that drowning

all my senses will make me oblivious

to the things i want to forget;

but what i’ve failed to realize

it didn’t matter what i’ve become

what i feel inside

will never cease to exist

through my train of thoughts.

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